Sunday, August 25

Joyner: Names On Jerseys To Be Removed

Dave Joyner, in what he called a "business decision," ordered the names removed from PSU jerseys for the 2013 season.

Ray Blehar

UNIVERSITY PARK, PA: Penn State Athletic Director, Dr. David Joyner announced today that the names that adorned the backs of the jerseys of the 2012 Nittany Lions will be removed for 2013.

Joyner, who was reached by phone from the house he rents from Ira Lubert, stated that it was a "business decision" for the removal and that it had absolutely nothing to do with restoring the tradition of a former coach - who shall remain nameless.

"It was strictly a business decision," stated Joyner, whose athletic department teeters on the edge of revolt under his direction.  

"First, there's the cost of the letters and the threads.  Not only do we have to purchase white letters for the blue jerseys, but blue letters for the white jerseys - oh, and the blue and white thread too.  Luckily, I had some coupons for JoAnn Fabrics last year and we got off pretty cheap, but the coupons were not available this year."

Joyner went on too say there was also a revenue issue involved with the names on the jerseys.  "As you know, Penn State fans are notoriously cheap.  So, what we didn't realize, when Ira and Rod made the decision to put the names on last year, was that the fans would stop buying programs.  That was quite a hit to our revenue."

"You know, Ira kind of chuckled about it, as I was washing his car, and said how the previous coach didn't put the names back there so he could sell more programs.  I never thought about it that way when I played for the former coach, but he was a pretty shrewd business guy after all."

Joyner believes removing the names will solve the revenue woes of the department.  "We really did not realize how much revenue there was from program sales. You know, when you're rolling in dough, you don't pay attention to the little things."

After consulting with Erickson about the possibility of putting names on the helmets, Joyner stated that while the move would cut the costs of lettering in half, since the players only get one helmet, there wouldn't be enough room for a name like Obeng-Agyapong.

When asked about season ticket sales, NLC renewals, club and suite renewals, and revenue projections for 2013, Joyner referred us to PSU public relations official David La Torre.  

La Torre said the University could not comment at this time. 


  1. Brilliant! You should do more satire.

  2. Not funny. Until Carole's comment and an Google search to double check, you were scaring the Freeh out of me.

    1. HMCIV,
      Wow. If you had to google it, then PSU is worse off than I ever imagined.


  3. I must say that after this week, I really needed this comic relief! I loved it, Ray! Thanks for the laugh amid the debacle of PSU life and the notorious BoT! You had me until I read how expensive the lettering would be! Too funny! See you at Joann's Fabric Store. I'll be in the thread department!

  4. Ray:

    Off topic, but I thought I could reach you here.

    Recently you have posted something to the effect that you have received information that with 100% certainty Rod Erickson will be arrested for a conspiracy to blame the football team for the JS situation. I have the greatest respect for your work, and I know H. Geoffrey Moulton, who is doing the AG investigation, and I know that he is a very smart and dedicated man. However, are you really saying that he will be charged? With what? What crime? And finally, any conspiracy would almost have to involve Surma, Garban, and maybe even Corbett as well. Are any of these to be arrested also?

    Thank you.

    1. dd,
      I passed along evidence to law enforcement that could be used charge Erickson and others. Obviously, law enforcement will determine what charges to file, but I am certain he will be charged. He could cut an immunity deal, but I don't think that's likely.

      I can't offer details beyond that.

  5. Love it! And, as someone whose household gets those Jo-Ann fabrics coupons every week, I'd be willing to send some to Joyner to buy the fabric. Of course, the coupon is for 60% off, so poor Obeng-Agyapong might only have Obeng on his jersey...

  6. Good stuff, thank you!

    "Luckily, I had some coupons for JoAnn Fabrics last year and we got off pretty cheap, but the coupons were not available this year."


  7. Uncle Fester LIVES! The JoAnn's Fabrics bit had me ROTFLMAO! Hysterical. But how close to the actual truth? I can actually see Joyner acting THIS stupid. Why not? He has already!